


Echoing Souls

by TenSixths



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Redeemed Ben Solo, Slow Burn, but it's a journey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:14:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21855898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSixths/pseuds/TenSixths
Summary: Kylo Ren does not need Rey.  That doesn't stop her from appearing to him almost constantly, parading through his dreams and trying to reason with him over their bond.  He resents her judgement and her light and the way she places her past before the possibilities of the future.  The possibilities they could have created together.  Now she is only in the way and he'll lead the First Order in spite of her.He only wishes he believed that himself.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

Kylo Ren did not need Rey.

If she could not see what they could do together, Kylo’s darkness and her light, then she would only be in his way. She would cling to the past, to those she had lost and the mistakes she had made. Soon Rey would be like Luke, miserable and broken, hiding on an island.

Hiding behind a projection.

The ship was small. Kylo could not ignore the looks and the whispered comments as they left Crait to return to base now that the First Order’s fleet had been destroyed. The pilots on board communicated with raised eyebrows, the few Stormtroopers on board with modulated whispers that carried easily. Hux, of course, had made a comment as soon as Kylo Ren was back on the ship, salt still clinging to the fabric of his cloak.

“Looks like you _didn’t_ get him,” Hux had said.

Kylo hoped throwing Hux against the wall with a choke hold would silence all aboard on the matter. It did not work.

Everyone had seen their Supreme Leader throw everything he had at the Jedi Skywalker. They had seen him slice through Luke with his lightsaber. And they had seen Luke stand, unphased, alive.

It made no difference that Luke was now dead. Kylo had felt the Force shift when it happened, felt the world expand to fill an empty space. It had been the same moment that he’d realized the motley group of rebels had escaped. Luke’s last act had been to give them time to get away.

And to humiliate Kylo Ren. How very like the man.

But Luke was dead. Rey and Leia and their rebels ran for their lives while Kylo was the Supreme Leader of the First Order.

Leia’s fighters had a few days of hope. It would die quickly.

Kylo’s had a few days of doubt. He would force that out of them.

He was the Supreme Leader now. The rebels might have destroyed the First Order’s fleet, the last Jedi had mocked them, but Kylo would rebuild it all. Better, stronger than before. The wars would end and he would rule in peace. 

And he didn't need Rey to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured if I don't post this today, tomorrow when ROS premiers it will be completely jossed and then I will be too late. This story follows the events of TLJ with absolutely zero regard for ROS. It is unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own.


	2. Chapter 2

When Kylo stepped off the ship onto the base, Hux followed half a step behind and without a word. The position was meant to be subservient, but Kylo’s instincts told him to turn and run Hux through with his lightsaber.

No, he couldn’t do that. He needed Hux. The man had control of the military. Kylo needed only to maintain control of Hux and he would have nothing to worry about.

“Summon our allies,” Kylo said. “I will need to address them. Assemble the remaining fleet. We will need to prepare our next strike while the Resistance is weak. Now go.”

In an instant, Hux had retreated and Kylo found himself walking alone. He slowed his pace, finally coming to a stop in the empty hallway. Where was he to go now? Not, he supposed, to his old quarters. He was the Supreme Leader now. He went instead to the chambers Snoke would have occupied if he’d physically ever visited this planet. He hadn’t. The vast rooms had never been used, but Kylo felt a shiver as he entered. Like on _Supremacy_ , there was a throne in a cavernous room. Kylo approached it.

There was a single moment, brief as a breath, in which Kylo wished Snoke could still sit in this throne and tell Kylo what he must do.

Then the moment passed. Yet Kylo still did not know what came next.

When had he last chosen his own path? He had trusted Snoke to know the actions necessary to achieve their goals. End the Jedi order, find Luke Skywalker, kill Han Solo. Kill Rey. With absolute certainty, Kylo knew that one was wrong.

Even now, he could see her face clearly, that strange expression as she shut the door on the _Falcon_ , leaving him on Crait with his empty victory. He hated her. Twice in a day she had turned from him. He had offered her a future of peace and she had refused him. All this after she had promised that he was not alone, had sought _him_ out. But it had not been him, had it? She had been searching for some lost idea of Ben Solo. Instead she saw only darkness in him, thought him capable only of evil with his power, not of peace. Rey was just like everyone else.

He would not kill her though. He could not.

Instead he would build the First Order stronger. Then if she ever came to him, _he_ would refuse _her_.

There was a knock and Hux marched in with soldier’s precision. “Supreme Leader,” he said as if the words cut his mouth, “our allies are on their way. Meanwhile our officers and personnel are anxious to know the circumstances that allowed you to become the new Supreme Leader. Shall I bring the generals in?”

Kylo wished he hadn’t destroyed his helmut. Just now, he needed something to hide behind. Snoke had impressive size and those warped features, making it impossible to look away from him. Right now, Kylo knew his hair clung to the sweat on his forehead and fine white salt dusted his clothes. He closed his eyes and let the feeling of darkness flood him.

“Yes,” he replied. “Bring them in.”

It appeared people had come quickly upon hearing that Snoke was dead. There were more assembled than Kylo expected, watching him with the same looks the pilots had on the ship here.

Kylo rose with a sneer, and watched as the assembled generals sank to their knees before him.

“The Supreme Leader is dead,” he called.

“Long live the Supreme Leader.”

The response started softly, but was full and loud by the end.

“Supreme Leader Snoke has been murdered by the rebel Rey, a student of Jedi master Luke Skywalker. Our priority is to destroy the remaining rebels. I want them found immediately. Rey is to be brought to me for interrogation.”

“What about Skywalker?” asked Hux from his place on the floor.

“Luke Skywalker is dead. His ruse on Crait cost him his life. The Jedi order is finished.”

As the murmurs went up from the crowd, Kylo fell into silence, letting his eyes roam over the faces.

Until he found himself looking at Rey.

She stood in the front, apart from the others, glancing around as if it would help her figure out where they were. Finally her eyes came back to his.

She no longer glared at him with pure hatred. That had softened and fractured on Ahch-To. Now it was...she was sad. And disappointed.

And angry. Did she blame him for Luke’s death too?

Suddenly she was walking towards him. Feet away and she was already too close, but there was nowhere for him to go. Kylo could not take a single step back before his forces.

Rey stopped. Then she disappeared.

Kylo found himself staring at Hux, standing behind the spot Rey had vanished from. The man gazed back with one raised eyebrow.

“That is all,” Kylo said to those assembled. “You are dismissed.”


	3. Chapter 3

The days swept past. There was still no sign of the Resistance or of what they might be doing. Despite a vast network of spies and contacts and soldiers willing to torture for answers, every report Kylo received contained no new information. As far as anyone in the First Order could tell, the rebels had not contacted allies or tried to buy new ships. Kylo was not entirely surprised. With so small a group, even with most of the galaxy looking, it would have been difficult to make much of an impact, especially if they were intent on hiding.

Surely they weren't still all living in the _Falcon_. Did they all fit on that rundown piece of junk? Kylo nearly smiled at the thought.

When he connected with Rey, however, he knew she at least was aboard the _Falcon_. He couldn't see it, but maybe he sensed it. Or maybe recognized some long lost memory of sitting in that same seat as she was, bending his back just so in order to fit comfortably.

He recognized, too, the books she read. The sacred Jedi texts called to him even through the bond.

“You need a teacher.”

With a gasp, Rey leapt out of her seat. The book resting on her lap slipped to the floor with a thud. He gave her a moment to collect herself before he repeated, “You still need a teacher.”

“I had a teacher.”

Kylo wished he could still read her thoughts. Her hard expression hid nearly everything, and her ability to resist him had grown too strong. She had strengthened her defenses just as he had worked on his. Their Force bond connected them over light years, but they could not tell what the other was thinking.

“Were you satisfied with Luke’s teaching?” asked Kylo. “The fact that you left to seek out me suggests not.”

“ _You_ don’t get to talk about Luke! He sacrificed himself to save everyone you were going to kill.”

“How noble of him.”

“Noble? What do you know about noble? Our forces were retreating! You had already decimated us. But you couldn’t be satisfied until you killed every last member of the Resistance.”

“The Resistance has a habit of building itself back up from very little, though I’m sure you know about that. Unless...are you off on your own again?”

“That’s none of your business.”

Rey bent down to retrieve her book. As she straightened, he saw half of the broken lightsaber in the holster at her thigh.

“I can build you a new lightsaber,” he blurted. He felt his eyes go wide at his own suggestion as Rey whirled to face him.

“I don’t want _anything_ from you.”

“You seemed to appreciate me killing the Supreme Leader for you,” Kylo spat.

“You are no better than Snoke. I saw a future in which you were different, but I was naive. Luke was right. There’s a darkness in you. You will always be dark. You will always be a murderer, and I want you out of my head.”

The first star destroyer arrived from the building yards, this one christened _Vanquisher_ , and soon Kylo Ren and Hux and the First Order were traveling again. Kylo almost thought to leave Hux behind until the next ship could be delivered. He wanted Hux as far away as possible. But then again, Hux left to his own devices could be just as dangerous. Besides, without Hux, Kylo had little control of the crew.

One of their contacts had seen the traitor stormtrooper and the pilot - Dameron his name was - trying to convince a manufacturer on Cato Bight to provide them with an x-wing. Kylo suspected even these two rebels were not stupid enough to stay in any place too long. They would be long gone before the First Order arrived. But moving was better than staying still. Moving distracted the officers and the troops and their allies from the fact that the war had come to a standstill under Kylo Ren. They were too strong to lose, but not strong enough to win.

Moving distracted Kylo from his visits with Rey through their bond. They were more infrequent now, and when he did get to see her, it was as if she watched on through a fogged window. Her shape was fuzzy, even her glares could not reached him.

At first he didn't understand. Talking with Rey over the bond, usually it was as if she was with him on _Supremacy_ , on Crait. On Ahch-To, the bond had been strong enough to feel what she felt, to feel her fingertips against his. Even now, his fingers curled into his palm with the memory of it.

She was learning to block him. Unfortunate really, now that he would have given much to see her glare at him again. If she would give him the same soft look as she had on that night in the fire light with her hand outstretched and words of comfort on her lips, he might give up the First Order.

_What was he thinking_?

He had offered her a future at his side, his equal in the Force, as they forged a world of peace. She refused him. Refused him and condemned him and insisted on fighting. So he would build the future without her. And she was in his way.

Kylo Ren did not need Rey.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the rating change. This chapter is briefly NSFW, but there will be more explicit chapters later.

Whereas Snoke had stayed in his throne room surrounded by the Praetorian Guards, Kylo opted to surprise Hux on the bridge every few days. There he’d request a change in course without giving a reason. Or he’d demand an update of the location of the Resistance which Hux could not give.

That fact proved more frustrating everyday. Kylo could not destroy people he could not find, and they hid well. The officers grew tired of being sent on pointless missions, though Kylo could think of nothing else to keep them occupied. He himself was on edge.

When Hux suggested they attack a system of planets that showed some resistance to the First Order, Kylo agreed willingly. It had been too long since he had shown the might of his forces. Despite the passing months, the memory of Luke Skywalker had not faded. Not from the minds of those in the First Order, and not from those in the rest of the galaxy. Kylo guessed that the Resistance, wherever they were, planted the story like the seed of a poisonous vine.

Let them tell this story now. They would speak of a Supreme Leader with absolute control. Who had ended the Jedi and the Sith, the Resistance and the war. A leader who made the First Order stronger than ever before, a power that could not be fought or destroyed. There would be peace in the galaxy. No more fighting, no more battle between dark and light. Just peace.

The attack took three days. Kylo spent all of it in his chambers, trying to will Rey to appear before him. She did not, not even a blurred outline of her. She had learned to block him out of her mind entirely.

That didn’t mean he stopped seeing her, however. She came in dreams, and in those moments where his focus slipped, an easy thing these days. His mind felt scattered with no real news and no single task to occupy him. Instead there were rushes of thoughts, ones about Hux and the other officers who watched Kylo as if waiting for a chance to strike. Thoughts about Han and Luke and a school of children. Gone. Snoke clawing into his mind to take and take. The thoughts flooded though his conscious mind. There was hardly time to push the thought away, let alone process and resolve them. He called on the darkness to drown out the thoughts, to focus him. But the lightness encroached. _Rey_ invaded.

She wasn't real. This wasn't the Force bond. When she came to him, there was none of her fire or her curiosity. Often she came to demean and berate and lay his past out before him.

Other times she came for him. In her Jedi clothes but all in black in his imagination, asking to rule by his side in their new order. Sometimes he refused her, let her fall to her knees and his feet and beg him to take her back. Usually he accepted her without hesitation.

Once he pulled her to him and kissed her. That had been the third day of the attack. The first fighters were already returning, _Vanquisher_ filling again with officers and their pilots, stormtroopers, all brimming with their success. The system was only hours away from being completely devoid of life.

Meanwhile Kylo sat in his room, indulging a fantasy of pulling Rey into his lap on his throne. Settled on his thighs, her mouth would be nearly level with his. The kiss he imagined was thorough and bruising. Her open mouth invited him in, her teeth nipped at his bottom lip. All the while, this imaginary Rey who wasn’t Rey twisted her hips, moving against him. The heat of her center radiated through the silk separating them.

Alone in his room, he reached into his trousers and pulled himself free. His hand was not as warm as he imagined Rey’s heat to be, but it was all he had. He pulled on his length roughly. This was not something he often did, and his lack of experience limited his imagination. But with his thoughts so vivid, he came with only another half a dozen tugs on his cock.

With a heavy sigh, he wiped his palm on his pants and sank back into his throne in his cold, empty room.


	5. Chapter 5

Kylo missed sparring with the Knights of Ren, especially now. They were moving through the galaxy again, joined by two new star destroyers, and Kylo had too much time to _think_. He craved the pure physicality of training where instinct and adrenaline superseded thought. There was no talking or friendship, yet there was a camaraderie that dispelled the loneliness of life in the darkness. But he was the Supreme Leader now, not simply master of the Knights. Even though he trusted them to follow him implicitly, he still could not be seen on the training deck with them.

He was Supreme Leader. He should be planning and thinking and directing, not fighting. Only problem was that he was better at fighting. And practicing forms on his own was hardly more distracting than meditation.

Perhaps Rey would meet with him to spar. The thought was amusing. They'd meet on some forgotten planet, just the two of them on a temporary truce. They'd fight for a few hours, with blades and words.

How would she fare against him now? On Starkiller, him wounded and nerves frayed, she had caught him by surprise with her use of the Force. She had been training since then, although lately only through her books. A Padawan with no Jedi master. And then him, descendent of the Skywalker bloodline, taught under Luke and Snoke and the Knights, trained for almost as long as Rey had been alive. They shared their determination, though his was single minded and focused while hers was more curious, wondering how far she could go, how great she could become.

He would still beat her, easily. At his full strength, she did not have a chance. Not yet. Maybe he could train her until she could beat him.

“Supreme Leader, there is news on the rebels.” Kylo looked to the messenger standing in the doorway of his throne room. “The murderer Rey has been sighted.”

Kylo was up and moving with Force speed. Here was action at last. And Rey. Here was a way to see Rey. He had missed her. 

When he stepped onto the bridge, flanked by his Knights of Ren, he did not see Hux at first. Only as he swept to the front of the ship did he see the general standing beside - no, crouched beside the lead communications officer as if hoping to hide behind her data panel.

“General Hux,” called Kylo loud enough that the whole bridge turned to look. Just as quickly they all pretended to look away, watching in darted glances out of the corner of their eyes as Hux climbed out of the data pit to stand before Kylo. “There is news on the rebels?”

“Supreme Leader Ren, uh, yes, there is news. Interesting news. The m-the-Rey and the stormtrooper FN-2187 and their pilot made contact with us approximately eight minutes ago. There were in an unidentified ship and...communicating at close range.”

“Close range...to _Vanquisher_? How close?”

“Uh...about 200 kilometers.”

As Kylo ignited his lightsaber in his right hand, he used his left to throw Hux against the wide glass view window. Hux connected with a resounding thud and slid to the floor.

“You had them 200 kilometers away!” Kylo turned and slashed as the nearest console with his saber, spraying sparks onto the technician sitting there. “They were close enough to fire on!” Another slash. “You could have sent out fighters!” Those sitting closest were rising and retreating from his lightsaber and the sparks and flying metal shards. “You had them on communication! Why are they not on board this ship right now?”

Hux was dragging himself up from the floor, but didn’t have the strength to get further than sitting as Kylo approached, lightsaber extended. Hux had to go crosseyed to keep it in view.

“You are the most worthless excuse for a general I have ever seen,” spat Kylo.

“And you are worthless as the Supreme Leader! What good are you and your powers without Snoke to hide behind? What have you done to get us closer to finding the rebels? Can’t you see where she is through your _bond_?”

Kylo’s lightsaber was close enough that it was leaving a thin burn mark on Hux’s cheek, but Hux kept talking.

“Yes, I know about the bond, how you and the scavenger girl _talk_. Whose side are you on, Kylo Ren?”

He should kill Hux. He wanted to. The darkness was swelling up, bolstered by rage, and killing would claim that darkness as his, as Kylo’s, there to bring him comfort when the death was complete. Just move the lightsaber a bit to the left. Cleave that smirking, arrogant face in two. Make an example for everyone watching.

People were moving closer though. Kylo sensed the Knights of Ren settling into their fighting stances while Hux’s officers slowly released blasters from their holsters. Another move on his part, and there might be a full scale battle here on the bridge.

“Enough!” roared Kylo. “Everyone back to your posts. Find the rebels, they can’t have gone far.” He turned back to Hux and watched as the red beam of his saber sliced Hux’s cheek as he switched it off. “You next chance is your last.”

He spun on his heel and strode from the room amid mutters and glances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally saw Rise of Skywalker. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't even remotely close to this story. However, I really appreciated that the writers also thought Kylo Ren would be useless as leader of the First Order without someone appropriately terrifying backing him up.


	6. Chapter 6

The encounter on the bridge was neither the first nor the last tense moment in that week alone. After threatening Hux, Kylo awoke the next morning to find _Vanquisher_ ’s course had changed. When he summoned Hux to the throne room, Hux brought an entourage of armed officers and a visiting dignitary.

This way, they were all there to watch when Kylo lost his temper again. He didn’t hurt anyone this time, but he destroyed quite a bit of his room before he could calm himself.

Orders he gave were ignored. Information was withheld. Decisions were made without him. Not explicitly or obviously, and nothing important, but the persistent small rebellions were clear. At first, Kylo fought them. With the Force, he made them do as he commanded. He reached into minds to pull free the information they kept from him.

Soon he had to simply retreat. There were no two hours together in which he did not lose his temper. The engulfing darkness persuading him to kill the next person who so much as looked at him was a bit strong, even for Kylo. Not that he wanted any lightness back after he had so carefully excised it, but this darkness was not the one he had known.

Before Snoke’s death - maybe earlier, maybe before Rey - the darkness had focused him, calmed him. To give into the darkness was to silence the war in his soul. No more questioning, no more uncertainty. He knew who he was and what he must do. And when he could give into the darkness completely, let it consume his soul, well, then…

But the darkness now was suffocating him. The darkness could not provide answers, could not show him how to lead an empire, could not tell him where Rey was hiding. It could only well up and, without an outlet, something to focus on, something to _kill_ , the darkness presented as rage and frustration and endless violence.

Every day, the harder he fought for the loyalty, the less he received. And if he couldn’t have the loyalty of the crew on a single star destroyer, what about the rest of the First Order? The galaxy?

He needed to talk with Rey. Just a little lightness to remind him that he was a creature of the dark.

He was so lonely.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last chapter was very short, so here's another.

He lived for the dreams in which Rey came to him. Only a few were sexual. In most they only talked or even sat in silence.

“Ben?”

He smiled. There she was. Tomorrow, when he woke, he would feel colder, lonelier than before. Tonight he would be with her.

“Ben, wake up.”

He’d forgotten how beautiful she was, how her skin glowed. Right now her hair was mussed though, and loose over her shoulders like she hadn’t been bothered to brush it. And her face, the corners of her mouth were turned down. Kylo didn’t hesitate. He was out of bed, going to her, but she backed away.

“Ben Solo, listen to me.” He stopped to focus on her face. Rey was so insistent. She called him by that name that was no longer his. “Ben, your mother is dead.”

That had never happened in his dreams before.

“Do you hear me?” asked Rey. “Why are you looking like that? Did you hear what I said?”

“Rey?”

“Clearly.”

Kylo swallowed. “Isn’t this a dream?”

“A dream? No, this is the - the bond. I unblocked it just for now so I could tell you about Leia.”

That’s why she looked especially beautiful tonight. Because she was actually here. But she was sad, and she kept trying to tell him something.

“What about Leia?” he asked.

Rey was almost impatient now. “She’s dead, Ben. She died earlier today. Medical complications after her time in space during the D’Qar evacuation.”

He sank slowly to the ground, crossed his legs, and stared blankly at the wall to Rey’s left. Leia Organa was dead.

The last time Kylo had seen Leia, not through the Force or a viewfinder, but in person where he could talk to her, he had been seventeen years old. More than a decade since he had exchanged a word with Leia Organa.

How had he not _felt_ it? He had known the instant Luke’s soul faded, and this was his _mother_. He had been close to her as he grew up. Or Ben had. Kylo Ren had never spoken to Leia. Perhaps she wasn’t his mother anymore, and he did not get to feel such things.

He would have felt it. Rey was lying. This was part of some tactic, the same scheme that had brought her and the traitor and the pilot so close.

“Ben?”

But no. He could feel it now. As he searched and searched with the Force, he found only a hole in the universe in the place where his mother should have stood.

“Kylo?”

Was he saying these thoughts out loud? Yes, he was. He should stop that. He didn’t want Rey to know what he was thinking. Not that he himself knew what he was thinking. What difference did it make that his mother was gone? She had been as good as when she sent him to Skywalker hoping to train the darkness out of him.

In truth this was a victory. Another member of the Resistance down. And Leia was the strength of the rebels. Her hope and determination carried them. They would be in shambles now, easy to suss out, easy to end.

He wondered what the last words he had said to his mother were, and what last words she had said to him.

“Her last words were for you,” Rey was saying. Kylo sought out her face, but could not hold her gaze for more than a second. She was watching him as if he was an experiment, judging his response. “She said, ‘Tell...my Ben that I would have always taken him back.’”

The first sob choked him. The second and third were heaving gasps and by the forth he had given up hope of control. He wasn’t sitting up now. Instead, he was bent double, struggling to hold himself in one piece. His mother was dead. Where was the darkness? He felt like he might shatter. He needed the darkness.

Rey’s light. That’s what kept the darkness from flooding him, removing this past bit of Ben Solo that still _clung_. Rey was too bright. And she was walking toward him. Closer.

“Get out!” he screamed. “Out, now!”

She didn’t have time. With a thought, he threw her violently from his mind, blocking the bond in the same way she had all these months past.

For this, he would be alone.


	8. Chapter 8

Let the past die.

Kill it, if you have to.

Kylo repeated the words, rocking back and forth in his spot on the floor, as the night slipped by him.

_Let the past die._

He wanted morning. Not that there was any sunrise to be had on a ship in deep space. Only a crew change to indicate time had passed. But the idea of a new day, and rising to face a task, seemed like a natural end to _this_ , whatever this was.

This sadness and anger and frustration. And shame. And loneliness.

_Tell Ben I would have always taken him back._

No, not that.

_Kill it if you have to._

The past was dying before his eyes. His father, Snoke, Luke, his mother. There was no one left. No one to remember Ben Solo. With Leia’s last breath, Ben Solo had ceased to exist.

The past was gone.

Now was the time for the future. And Kylo would make the future one of...He would create...He would…

_Let the past die. Kill it._

\---

Messengers came to knock on his doors. At one point, Hux came, shouting for Kylo to come out. Kylo ignored all. Hux could see to the running of things for a few days. There was nothing to be done at this moment anyway, nothing Hux could mess up.

When he finally did leave his rooms as the claustrophobia became too great to bear, no one knew quite what to make of this blank-eyed Kylo Ren. He wished he’d had another mask made, something to hide behind until he learned to manage expressions. For all his focus and control, he had never managed to keep his emotions from his face.

Of course, not many even got close enough to see his expressions. The misery that radiated from him kept people away. If he was unstable and violent in his rages, they did not need to see what he was like in this curious new mood.

Rey returned to his thoughts and dreams in full force. The memory of her had been a comfort before, but now he relied on her. He imagined her presence, quiet and sorrowful, flitting through doorways just ahead of him, looking down on him as he slept, tracking him while he walked the ship. She would give him a sad half-smile, a single second of relief from the crushing memories, a chance to take one full breath. Then she would disappear.

It took a week of walking about in this state, living because there was some blurry idea of a future he had to build, despondent but never crying, before he realized he wasn’t imagining Rey. She was visiting him through the bond to check on him. He couldn’t tell what she might have been looking for. She never spoke with him, never stayed longer than a moment. Maybe she was just checking to see if he was alive, or if Kylo Ren could fall prey to emotions of normal human sons who had lost their mothers.

Which he could.

“Rey, don’t go!” he cried when he spotted her in his bedroom doorway.

She froze.

“Rey, please...just stay for a while.” _Stay so I can breathe, he thought._

After a moment, she shifted her feet and dropped her shoulders, settling herself in his mind as a guest would settle into their host’s parlor. Kylo would have offered her a chair -- wherever she was apparently had nowhere to sit -- but he sensed the bond wasn’t strong enough for her to see his surroundings.

So she stood and he sat on his bed and they watched each other.

“Your control of the bond has grown strong,” he said finally. “You are able to block me out and to enter my mind without me knowing. I’m impressed.”

“You’ve been distracted,” Rey murmured. “But thank you.”

“Have you found the Jedi texts instructive?”

“I don’t want you for a teacher.” Immediately she was stiffening, preparing to go.

“No, no! I did not mean anything by the question. I am merely curious,” Kylo explained hurriedly. “I have never seen the Jedi texts, though at one point they intrigued me greatly.”

Rey nodded and settled again, but said nothing. Perhaps she didn’t need to. At the Resistance base, wherever it was, she was probably surrounded by people who she could talk to. People who knew and wanted to talk about Leia’s death, to share their grief and their memories. She didn’t need to come to talk with Kylo.

“Why have you been spying on me?” Kylo asked. When she gave no response, he spat, “I don’t want your pity.”

With a long sigh, Rey sank to the floor and sat cross legged. “It’s not pity. You’re not the only person who lost Leia. She was...Never mind.”

“What?”

“She was like my mother.” Rey bowed her head, but couldn’t hide her blush, even in the dim light. Poor scavenger girl, collecting family members to her as she went only to have them taken away again. As he watched, her shoulders began to shake with silent tears.

“You would have been the child she wanted. She would have been...proud...of you...You’re light and good….and not like-”

“Ben, don’t.”

“I’m just saying that...I’m hardly fit to grieve the loss of a mother the way you are. Even your flyboy friend Dameron was a better son to Leia than I was. You won’t find a friend to cry with here.” He was pleased with the hard edge to his voice, a tone that insinuated that he had not spent much of the past week curled on his bed.

Rey swiped at her tears and fixed him with a look. “Well, you’re wrong.” She stood, obviously hoping for some height advantage as she prepared to let him have it. “You are grieving. Don’t try to deny it, I’ve been watching you….” Her tone softened and she shrugged. “And I didn’t want you to be alone. I know how it feels not to have anyone to talk with, especially someone who understands.” Her gaze turned pointed, but he didn’t know what she meant by it.

He snapped, “I wouldn’t be alone if you had agreed…” The words trailed off before he could finish the thought.

“Agreed to join you? This isn’t the right way. Does this look like peace to you? The First Order destroyed the Karatan System!”

“Don’t be naive. You have to fight for peace. It isn’t just handed to you.”

“I'm not naive, but I don't like your way of fighting. You want to forget the past, but that's what has brought us to where we are. My past is little, but it has made me strong and who I am. I need it, even the hurt and loss. We can't get rid of it. We can only learn from it.”

“That’s the difference between us, isn’t it? You hardly have a past, just a few bits and pieces to give you a story. Look at my past, who my parents were. My grandfather and my uncle. My _namesake_. My past _imprisoned_ me. It was decided who I would be before I was of age and when I couldn’t live up to those expectations...So you can say I _learned_ from the past. I learned how to escape it. 

“First I tried to kill Ben Solo. He was foolish...and weak, but he just wouldn’t die. _He_ clung to the past. So I killed the Jedi, all Luke’s students and every last Jedi I could find. They call me ‘Jedi Killer,’ you know. Then Han Solo and Snoke and Skywalker. Now Leia. Everyone who knew Ben Solo is dead. The past is dead and he is gone.”

“You’re forgetting me,” Rey said quietly. “I know Ben Solo. He is still within you with so much light and promise-”

“Stop saying his name! Stop calling me that!”

Her voice rose to drown him out. “I see Ben Solo here now, with me, and he’s not weak. He is scared and angry and mourning his mother.”

He was angry enough that he was able to push her with the Force. She only fell back a few steps though, and just stomped back toward him, shouting, “You can’t kill Ben Solo or Kylo Ren. Both of them, everything you have done, are a part of-”

Rey was gone.

The echo of her voice rang and rang in the emptiness of his room.


End file.
